Fasturbation Take 2

Meg: There are two kinds of women in this world

The ones who masturbate

Miles: And liars

Alyssa: Hey guys, have you ever….I mean…not like I have…but have you ever…done that…thing?

[Meg nods yes]

Alyssa: Really?

Meg: My neck massager doubles as a dildo

Freaked me out when I saw my dad using it the next day

Kerri: Dad…that was on my cooter

Miles: My vibrator broke once

My Jack Rabbit 3000

Mid sentence!

Kerri: Did you McGiver the wires?

Alyssa: Use wind power?

Meg: Solar Panels?

Miles: Nah, nah

I took the batteries from Grandma’s respirator

And slid into home plate just in time

Kerri/Meg/Alyssa: SAFE! (+ arm movements)

Meg: Grandma??

Kerri: When I masturbate I think about my boyfriend

[Meg mouths yeah right]

Miles: I think about paint

Paint on my taint

Alyssa: I think about water parks

Like long, hard, blue tubes

Shooting the water out

Kerri/Meg/Miles: pooool jets

Kerri: Splish motherfuckin’ Splash

Miles: I think about Tony Danza

Alyssa: HOLD ME CLOSER TONY DANZA

Kerri: Whos the boss, whos the boss, who’s the boss

Miles: It feels like the apocalypse in my boy shorts

Meg: Capsizing my abdomen

Compromising my skin

Kerri: Bubbling up like burns between my thighs

It feels like

ALL: Oceans

Kerri: Like

ALL: Thunder

Kerri: Like

ALL: Birds fluttering out of my underbelly

Kerri: Like the closest to life and death you can be at the same time

Alyssa: MTV’s undressed did it just fine for me

Kerri: Scrambled porn couldn’t yield my horny curiosity

Meg: Hearing Grandpa’s footsteps up the stairs didn’t stop me

Meg/Alyssa: I knew he had a bum knee

ALL: Osteoporosis can’t stop this

Miles: I’ve got at least 2 more minutes to

Miles/Meg: Pet the possum

Kerri/Alyssa: Poach the salmon

ALL: Crack the clam

Alyssa: Dial the rotary phone

Kerri: Bowl the perfect game

ALL: Take a ride on the L train

Alyssa: Ohh labia

Meg: Playin the clit-tar

ALL: Strummin on the ole banjo

Meg: Hey, raise this hand if you use…this hand

Alyssa: Carpal tunnel got lefty

Miles: Fuck 2 girls 1 cup

ALL: We got 4 girls 40 fingers

Meg: We’ve got vanilla wafer popsicle stick digits

[Miles starts to drop]

Alyssa: Searching the contents of our creamsicle cookie jar Klondike bar baskets

Kerri: We’re just tryin to save the world

ALL: One orgasm at a time

Kerri: So if you find yourself wanting to punch someone

Meg/Miles/Alyssa: Touch yourself

Kerri: Next time you want to cry over spilt milk

Meg/Miles/Alyssa: Soak that whisker biscuit

Kerri: Next time you want to scream

.::Miles fakes orgasm::.

ALL: CREAM!

Meg: Because then, you’re always having sex with someone you love

Alyssa: Remember, next time you receive an invitation to the one woman pants party, RSVP

ALL: I’m coming!