FASTURBATION

Meg: There are two kinds of women in this world
The ones who masturbate
Miles: And liars

Alyssa: Hey…guys…have you ever…I mean…not like…I mean...have you ever… I mean, I’m just doing this survey for class…you know, for research…have you ever…done...that…thing?

Meg admits with a silent nod
Alyssa: really?
Meg: My neck massager doubles as a dildo.
Freaked me out when I saw my dad using it the next day

Miles: Dad…that was on my cooter

Alyssa: Pool jets
Kerri: My mom got me an electric toothbrush
My teeth didn’t get much whiter
But…

Alyssa: I got off on a school bus once
Meg: It was a really long ride home

Miles: My vibrator broke once
Mid sentence.

I was pissed
So I McGivered the wires
Took the batteries from grandma’s respirator
And slid into home plate just in time

SAFE.
(ARM MOVEMENTS)

Kerri: When I masturbate I think about my boyfriend
Meg: I think about Angelina Jolie
Alyssa: But before you know, she got all veiny
Miles: Paint
Paint on my taint.
Alyssa: I think about Water Parks
I like tubes
Like… blue shooting water tubes
Kerri: Splish motherfuckin’ Splash
Meg:I think about Tony Danza
Miles: HOLD ME CLOSER TONY DANZA.
Alyssa: WHOSE THE BOSS

Miles: It feels like
The apocalypse in my underpants
Meg/Miles: capsizing my abdomen
Meg Miles: compromising my skin
Kerri/: bubbling up like burns between my thighs
Meg: It feels like
ALL: Oceans
Alyssa: Like
ALL: (thunder)
Kerri: Like
ALL: Birds fluttering out of my underbelly
Kerri: Like the closest to life and death you can be at the same time

Alyssa: MTV’s undressed did it just fine for me
Kerri: Scrambled porn didn’t yield my horny curiosity
Meg: Hearing grandpa’s footsteps up the stairs didn’t stop me
Meg/Miles: I knew he had a bum knee
ALL: Osteoporosis can’t stop this
Miles: I’ve got at least 2 more minutes
TO

ALL: Pet the possum
ALL: Poach the salmon
ALL: Crack the clam
Alyssa: Dial the rotary phone
Kerri: Bowl the perfect game
ALL: Take a ride on the L train
Alyssa: (hehe..labia)
Miles: McGyver the wire
Meg: Playin the clit-tar
ALL: (barbershop quartet style) Strumming on the ole banjo

CLITTERBUG
Do doo do do doo
Clitterbug
You put the boom boom into my bedddd

Meg: Hey, hey raise this hand if you use…this hand
Alyssa: Carpal tunnel got lefty
Miles: Ya know what, I really don’t like masturbating.
It’s my hand.
I’ve seen it a bunch of times
But your hand….
I like sex
But sometimes you can’t get any
Miles: salt, I taste salt…

All: Fuck 2 girls one cup
We got 4 girls 40 fingers
Meg: We’ve got vanilla wafer popsicle stick digits
Alyssa: Searching the contents of our creamsicle cookie jar Klondike bars baskets
Kerri: We’re just tryin’ to save the world
ALL: One orgasm at a time

Kerri: So if you find yourself wanting to punch someone
ALL: Touch yourself
Kerri: Next time you want to cry over spilt milk
ALL: Soak that whisker biscuit
Kerri: Next time you want to scream
::miles fakes orgasm::
ALL Cream
Meg: Because then, you’re always having sex with someone you love
And who could deny that?

Alyssa: Remember, next time you receive an invitation to the pants party, RSVP
ALL: I’m coming