(i hope this doesn't come up on porn searches)

There are two kinds of women in this world
The ones who masturbate
And liars

Hey…guys…have you ever…I mean…not like…I mean...have you ever… I mean, it’s not like I’ve ever done that before…I’m just doing this survey for class…you know, for research…have you ever…done...that…thing?

Meg admits with a silent nod
Alyssa: really?
Meg: My neck massager doubles as a dildo.
Freaked me out when I saw my dad using it the next day

Miles: Dad…that was on my cooter

Alyssa: I got off on a school bus once
Kerri: It was a really long ride home

Miles: My vibrator broke once
Mid sentence.

I was pissed
So I McGivered the wires
Took the batteries from grandma’s respirator
And still slid into home plate

SAFE.
(ARM MOVEMENTS)

When I masturbate I think about my boyfriend
I think about Johnny Depp
Paint
Paint on my taint.
I think about Water Parks
I like tubes
Like… blue shooting water tubes
Splish motherfuckin’ Splash
I think about Tony Danza
HOLD ME CLOSER TONY DANZA.
WHOSE THE BOSS

It feels like
The apocalypse in my underpants
capsizing my abdomen
compromising my skin
bubbling up like burns between my thighs
It feels like
Oceans
Like
(thunder)






On paper this seems really silly but I think it will be great when we perform it. Here are some other ideas, feel free to work them in:

Petting the possum
Poachin’ the salmon
Double clickin’ the mouse
Taking a ride on the L train
(hehe..labia)
McGyver the wire

Men get all the fun
Choakin’ the chicken
Beatin the meat
Squeezin the sausage
What about us?
What about our needs?
Our between the knees needs

I usually end up masturbating after my boyfriend cums, rolls over and goes to sleep,
So I’ve got to finish the job

I like to masturbate after a great game of Twister

I wait until my roommate falls asleep
When I masturbate I think about
When I masturbate I think about Kerri…
{awk pause/glance}

I masturbated with a cucumber once
-EW!
-and then served it in Kerri’s salad
-ahh uhhh ehhh


Fuck 2 girls one cup
All: We got 4 girls 40 fingers

Pool jets
My mom got me an electric toothbrush
My teeth didn’t get much whiter
But…

But sometimes I’m late for things because I’m masturbating
Cause I don’t start anything I can’t finish
“Kerri lets gooooo”
“I’m comingggg”

I don’t like masturbating.
It’s my hand.
I’ve seen it a bunch of times
But your hand….
I like sex


Alyssa: I was about 6 years old
And I was at my babysitters house
And I didn’t realize that different locations had different channels
I turned on what I thought was the Disney Channel
What is going on
Whats happening
To my body
SPICE NETWORK!!
My body was capable of producing this incredible feeling
I did it on the school bus once
I was a little horny child

Brian: I was 6 years old too
Laying on my stomach
And playing annie soundtrack on record player
Miss Hannigan was ugly
But the song sounded so sexy
And I just put my hands there
And I applied pressure
It was great

National geographic
Women of Sudan
My dad comes up the stairs
As im reaching my climax
My dad has a bum knee
So I know I have some time
Never saw something come out
Keep missing my pants as im trying to pull up my pants
I think that’s why I don’t date white girls.

Every summer I went down to North Carolina
And I couldn’t fall asleep at night
7th grade, maybe. Maybe younger.
Wasn’t well versed in that and… I don’t know
Like I said I couldn’t sleep, and it just happened.
What did I just touch to induce that?
And I did it again and again
Scrambled spice network
Taught my younger sister stuff.

Pool jets.
“Wanna know what sex feels like?”

On my giant bear
It feels great
Hanging out on the couch
If a blanket was over me, no one could see me
My mom was in the kitchen
“Ahem… honey.”
And then we had the sex talk.
At 4.

It’s 10 pm.
Do you know where your clit is?

I grew up thinking that no one else did it
Realizing that you aren’t alone in a world of pleasure

Higher level of existence through knowing your body
Orgasm as a spiritual experience
How you work, how you tick
If we all understood ourselves, we’d be able to understand each other

CARPEL TUNNEL